Content/trigger warning: cursing
You need to know what fire theory is to fully understand this entry, so here’s my entry on fire theory: https://thisisforyoucarrie.blog/2019/02/01/fire-theory/
I fucking hate grocery shopping.
First of all, I’m tiny and have a lot of trouble maneuvering grocery carts. Second, the grocery store is too peopley. Not only are they making people noise, the people in grocery stores are unpredictable. Are they going to stop and pick up some olive oil right in front of me and I’ll have to halt suddenly and pray I don’t run into them, or go around them and maybe hit someone else? Third, there are sometimes smells that are sensory nopes for me, Fourth, with me worrying so much about the people, I often can’t find the items I need and end up going home without everything on my list.
Last night I went grocery shopping because I needed toilet paper and cat litter, and I couldn’t wait for Peapod. I can’t drive, so I took my personal shopping cart with a broken wheel that I can’t afford to replace and made the walk to the nearest grocery store about a mile away. I had a few other items on my grocery list and wasn’t able to get all of them, but whatever; the problem was walking home.
I had a meltdown after the sixth time my heavy grocery cart with cat litter and cat food in it ran over my heel. Everyone in my zip code probably heard me screaming and crying. According to spoon theory, I would have been out of spoons after that meltdown. I was Done.
But I had to get home and carry my groceries up three flights of stairs.
So I did.
According to fire theory, after my meltdown, I was down to an ember; ostensibly unable to do anything but left with no choice, so I did the thing. I told myself I could have a chocolate donut if I got home, so my depleted ass walked home and hauled the groceries up the stairs and inhaled that donut. But after that, I changed into my pajamas and lay in bed crying for the rest of the night and wasn’t able to cook or shower even though I needed to do both. Spoon theory would hold that after I was out of spoons, I couldn’t have gotten home. But come hell or high water, I got my ass and the groceries and the rest of me home.
This is one of the reasons I favor fire theory. Fire theory explains how I got home; embers can be persuaded to burn under the right conditions, in this case the fact that lying on the sidewalk crying wasn’t an option.
I also think fire theory makes more sense as a metaphor and calling oneself a fire elemental is just cool sounding, but mostly I wanted to tell this story.
A less funny story is that I fell victim to a job scam. If you’re a Patron and have seen this a shitzillion times, I’m sorry, and if this is your first time hearing about this, please share my GoFundMe and donate if you can. https://www.gofundme.com/help-mara-lee-get-through-june
I’m also doing a fundraiser stream on YouTube. I did a short video on that. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm5YKa6zrls&t=1s
I have actually decided to so the stream from 3 to 5, not 2 to 4.
Thanks to my Patrons! I have multiple Patrons now! These awesome people are Karina, Ace, Emily, Sean, and Hannah.
Mentally ill activist and angry Disabled loudmouth. Neuroqueer as hell.